me irl

“I suffer from life and from other people. I can’t look at reality face to face. Even the sun discourages and depresses me. Only at night and all alone, withdrawn, forgotten and lost, with no connection to anything real or useful - only then do I find myself and feel comforted.” 
Fernando Pessoa from "The Book of Disquiet"

a mystery

i was supposed to work, i.e. type a bunch of shit, emails and more emails, and answer some questions, and write some things that i will not be proud of in the end, but i might have to do anyway.

it's never easy, and it still doesn't seem that it might change at some point. i really don't know what to think. i had a super weird revelation earlier today, just after i woke up at 6.30, and right before i was about to go out running: what if all the work that i've been doing in the past few years has been channeled towards somebody else's improvement? i definitely haven't improved much, and on the contrary, i see constantly so many 20 year olds with much more experience and skills than me. so maybe, maybe, all the effort i've been putting down, has been secretly flowing to another person. well at least that way i will not feel so depressed about my own shortcomings, but still, it really leaves a bitter taste in my (otherwise blatant and tasteless) mouth.

so yeah, better bitter than neutral and tasteless i suppose.